Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Posts Tagged 'nurse jokes'

Jokes for Nurses: Diseases You’ve Never Heard Of

A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
“What happened to your feet?” his wife asked.
“I had a childhood disease called Tolio.”
“Don’t you mean polio?”
“No, tolio, it only affects the toes.”
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
“What happened to your knees?” she asked.
“Well, I also had Kneesles.”
“Don’t you mean measles?”
“No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.”
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, “Don’t tell me, you also had Smallcox!”

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Nurse’s Laugh: Relationship Jokes

As nurses, sometimes we hear WAY too much about our patient’s love lives. But this story made me grin:

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that truck???!!!”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.” So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. I don”t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what”s going on.”

So the boy”s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back to me. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.”

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Helpful Nursing Advice: Surviving Staff Meetings

Sometimes when I’m in a long staff meeting, and I’m listening to the third repetition of why the new policy is important, and what we must do to comply with the new policy, and how the new policy is obviously superior in every way to the almost-identical former policy that didn’t take as much time, effort, or heartbreak to consistently implement, I take a deep breath and then look around and consider seriously what each person in the meeting would look like in Muppet form.

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Top Ten All Time Unbearable Visitors: Classic Nurse Humor

10. The man who snuck in his three cats to visit his asthmatic wife.

9. The visitor who ate all his father’s food, then rang the nurse to say that the patient was still hungry and needed another tray.

8. The wife who asked you to take her stroked-out husband to the bathroom whenever SHE really was the one who had to go.

7. The son who emptied his mother’s colostomy bag into the waste basket at the nurse’s station.

6. The male visitor who fell asleep in the patient’s bed while she was in the bathroom.

5. The wife who discontinued her husband’s CVP line herself, because “John likes to sleep on his right side.”

4. The 80 year old daughter of the 98 year old man, who kept drinking her father’s continuous IV fluids whenever she got thirsty.

3. The children of one patient who insisted upon using their mother’s portable IPPB machine as a scooter in the hallway.

2.The husband who kept sneaking in chocolates for his newly diagnosed diabetic wife. The jig was up when he hid them under her roommate’s bed and the whole room was infested with cockroaches.

1. The man who never actually visited his brother, but called 12 times every shift to criticize the nurses, the doctors, the food, and anything else that came to mind.

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Nurse Jokes: 12 Step Success Story

Years ago when I was a new grad, I worked on a med-surg floor. On one occasion, I had a confused patient recovering from hip surgery. She was Poseyed and frequently screamed. Loudly.

One evening, after listening to her for several hours, I tried all I knew to quiet her down. I gave up. I walked into her room, sat at her bedside, and looked her right in the eyes.

“Honey,” I said. “Stop screaming. You’re driving me to drink.”

She stopped screaming, patted me on the head, and said, “Oh, sweetheart. Don’t blame me for your drinking problem.”

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