Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Cancer

Shouldn’t there be a RR for nurses? Somewhere lovely, after the shift’s done, where cell phones don’t work, and people who enter asking you anything besides “Is that enough chocolate or would you like more?” spontaneously combust?  Cancer’s inquisitive nature and a busy week has you searching for this wonderful place — let us know if you find it!

Leo

Knowing that all bleeding stops…eventually…and that ignoring a problem can, in fact, make it go away rather permanently is part of being a nurse.  It doesn’t however apply to interpersonal relationships with colleagues, friends, and random people you know! Speak up and take care of yourself NOW!

Virgo

When the obnoxious caller rings for the third time in two hours demanding to know how Mom is doing, tell them — substituting information about your own Mother.  This is a great solution, unless, of course, your Mother has passed away.  Use your judgment, people!

Libra

The good news, Libra, is that management has your back.  The bad news is that they’re considering it as the next sharps storage unit! Document, document, document.

Scorpio

It’s well known that a very fine line separates “Hobby” from “Mental Illness” — but this week, you’re not worried about that line — you’re dazzled by what your patients do for recreation!

Sagittarius

Did you hear about the butcher down in the ER? Backed right up into the meat grinder. Not only is he in really rough shape, but he’s behind at work!

Capricorn

Capricorn fears when security is called to pediatrics. Nerves settle down when it is revealed all the trouble was simply a three year old resisting a rest.

Aquarius

What happens to GI specialists when they die? Generally, we barium. May the winds of change be a source of delight to you this week, Aquarius!

Pisces

The simplest explanation is often the best one, which is good to keep in mind when taking patient histories! It’s amazing how often and awkwardly people will fall, particularly in states of undress…

Aries

What side of a duck has the most feathers? The outside! Aries, don’t get caught up in details to such a degree that you miss the big picture!

Taurus

If a patient’s refused medication, do the pills go to whoever calls dibs on them first? This can be an interesting discussion — particularly if the right ‘concerned visitors’ are around!

Gemini

Patients convinced of your superior nursing skills want you to diagnose what’s wrong with them based on the stool sample they conveniently brought from home, in the underpants they happened to be wearing. Tell them you only read tea leaves and tarot cards – anything else requires the MD’s personal attention!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Cancer

Creative Cancer combines the attending doctor’s phone with a dog shock collar — if the call’s not returned in 5 minutes, ZAP! Okay, not really…but the idea’s worth raising at your next “Patient Satisfaction” meeting.

Leo

Let sleeping dogs lie, Leo – and if your pain level 14+ patient is snoring through the worst of it, well, perhaps that’s a sign.

Virgo

Make a student nurse’s day: explain why you don’t give the sleeping pill and laxative at the same time BEFORE they do so.

Libra

Isn’t it telling that doctors call what they do ‘practice’? Normally tactful Libra has a hard time holding their tongue this week, but remember: discretion is the better part of continued employment!

Scorpio

Make dietary’s day this week: call them to confirm that vegetarians can in fact eat animal crackers.

Sagittarius

Your future depends on your dreams, Sagittarius! You know what that means: naptime!

Capricorn

The family that sticks together should bathe more often! Capricorn has a challenging week, unless of course your sense of smell and gag reflex have already been removed.

Aquarius

Knock, knock, knock. Document, document, document. If someone tells you something three times, it’s clearly very important! So don’t forget, Aquarius, to knock on the door. Otherwise you’ll get an eyeful you’re just not ready for — and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been a nurse!

Pisces

Requesting a consult for an exorcist may be justified, Pisces, but remember it won’t be a popular decision. Besides, you know they don’t take the patient’s insurance.

Aries

Forget the Barefoot Bandit: you want law enforcement to capture whoever’s been stealing all of the blankets from your unit. Somewhere, someone has a building crammed full of industrial bedding…and they strike ONLY when you need just one more pillow for the crankiest patient EVER!

Taurus

Your paranoia is absolutely no guarantee that they’re not out to get you, Taurus. Conspiracy theories are addictive: watch out that you don’t become a drama-seeker!

Gemini

Coastline nurses know sharks won’t attack lawyers: it’s professional courtesy!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Clear communication is highly valued by time-strapped Gemini this week. The only trick is finding the current administration-approved method of saying, “What in the world do you think you’re doing?” Good luck with your quest!

Cancer

The visitor who insists that they’re an OR nurse and more than capable of assisting with wound care hits the floor hard after getting a glimpse under the bandage. Cynical Cancer will not find this surprising.

Leo

The heat is on, Leo! Summertime brings out the best in you…and the more creative, innovative injuries, illnesses, and attempts at self medication among your patients. Enjoy exploring what you’d never thought possible this week, except for Monday, which will be distressingly normal.

Virgo

This week will have you pondering the feasibility of developing a debilitating allergy to NG tubes as a cause for workman’s comp…the worst of what’s inspiring this will pass after Wednesday.

Libra

Nurses need to listen to their bodies, Libra! When your body tells you that it’s time to head to the beach with a pile of trashy novels and a cooler full of iced beverages, grab those sunglasses, get the sunscreen and go…who cares that you’re scheduled for another 13 hours? A week of wishful thinking goes by faster if you give yourself even a few minutes of R&R here and there — you need the break!

Scorpio

Never judge a book by its cover, Scorpio — although you might be forgiven a little skepticism when the book your patient is carrying is “101 Ways To Make Big $ Selling Hospital Supplies on eBay!”

Sagittarius

The loftier the sentiment expressed in the patient’s tattoo, the greater the likelihood of visitor-induced drama. Words to live by this week, Sagittarius!

Capricorn

Working with a nurse determined to ‘eat their young’ and find yourself on the menu? Try drenching yourself with hot sauce prior to your shift. You shouldn’t be the only one on the unit with heartburn!

Aquarius

Dreams do come true, Aquarius. Particularly that recurring dream you have about falling asleep in the waiting room and being woken up by an irate manager wearing a chicken suit. Well, maybe not the chicken suit part — but it might be a good idea to catch up on your rest!

Pisces

Your 350 pound patient sitter just sat on a frail LOL – so much for extra help making work easier! Take care to completely articulate expectations whenever possible this week.

Aries

Why is it people who have such flawed judgment and bad decision making skills spend so much time worrying about what you do, Aries? A frustrating week could be in store unless you head it off at the pass. Humor helps. Taking a week’s vacation helps more.

Taurus

The four food groups are NOT Doritos, M&M’s, Coffee and Cold Pizza. Nutrition counts, Taurus: you have to take care of yourself BEFORE you take care of others. Also you’ll feel better when you eat better! Low energy levels can be restored, particularly after a mid-week commitment to self-care.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Medical expertise confronts you at every turn, leaving Gemini wondering why so many health and wellness experts need to see the doctor so often!

Cancer

Redundancy rules this week. Teenage boys sampling Dad’s Viagra provide the proof that you can have too much of a good thing. Excitement subsides after Thursday, or really, as soon as you can put some ice on that.

Leo

A lavender, gem-studded stethoscope may not be your style, Leo — but it won’t ‘wander off’ with such regularity, either!

Virgo

The teenage patient who can text 3,500 words a minute with a broken arm needs help wiping herself. Strangely, there’s no app for that!

Libra

That nice person you met on a rare night out clubbing seems strangely familiar – and then you remember wrestling them into restraints after an ETOH on board really bad day. So much for your social life, Libra!

Scorpio

Sleepy Scorpio has low energy this week — and having a patient wander off does provide such a comfy bed…

Sagittarius

L&D Sagittarians need to be kind and NOT let new parents know that delivering the baby is actually the easiest part of parenting.

Capricorn

Boy, you can always tell when a 1,000 Ways to Die marathon has aired, can’t you?

Aquarius

This week, you will see a surgeon apologize. Resist the temptation to build a shrine at the spot to commemorate the event — no one will believe you anyway!

Pisces

Proud Pisces keeps calm while others melt down. Your sudden allergic reaction to drama will serve you well this week.

Aries

Your creativity is pushed to the limit this week, Aries. Can you make emergency formal wear out of chux, tape, and a box of extra small gloves?

Taurus

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Taurus, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Why is it that silence is golden for everyone else — but for you, absolute quiet is a sure sign of disaster? Luckily, chaos prevails through Thursday.

Cancer

Being knocked on the noggin with a lamp leaves your patient feeling lightheaded. Good luck charting that without cracking a grin!

Leo

Can one be simultaneously snoring and experiencing level 12 pain? Anything is possible, Leo, especially on Tuesday!

Virgo

Your tendency to ‘squirrel away’ extra supplies against inevitable shortage serves you well, Virgo, until your colleagues discover your ‘secret stash’ and start talking about calling the camera crew from Hoarders…

Libra

Despite what this week leads you to believe, terminal stupidity is not contagious!

Scorpio

Just remember that when a report sounds too good to be true, it means you’ve got a frequent flier with wandering tendencies and a spouse who thinks they are the patient and deserves all your time and attention.

Sagittarius

Surprising talents displayed by your patients inspire and amuse…except when they terrify and confuse…

Capricorn

Stormy weather dominates your stars, Capricorn, but its unclear if it’s meteorology or metaphor you’re facing. Either way, it’s probably a good idea to keep an umbrella handy.

Aquarius

Sometimes that gut instinct is your mad nursing skills and insight, Aquarius, and sometimes, it’s just food poisoning.

Pisces

Ogling a stranger’s veins may be tacky, but isn’t it easier with summer fashions, Pisces? Rejoice in the little things. They are the source of happiness!

Aries

The only certain way to achieve change, Aries, is to swallow a handful of quarters and wait. Patience is required!

Taurus

It is sometimes difficult to discern the difference between therapeutic touch and a much needed thwap upside the head, isn’t it, Taurus? This week you’ll find some nursing intraventions more tempting than others.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!