Checking the Star Charts: Nurse Horoscopes

What will this week hold? Check the Star Charts! These predictions are carefully compiled by JNJ’s resident astrologer, Wazzata Comet, who watches the stars from a hospital rooftop somewhere near you. (Due to the fact that Wazzata once confused the landing lights on the Medi-Flight with a meteor shower, our lawyers ask that you please don’t confuse her predictions with actual, useful advice!)

Cancer

Cancer’s never been shy about stepping into the spotlight, but this week you may feel a little challenged when called on to entertain. Don’t hold back: this is your chance to shine. Not everyone can make vaguely obscene balloon animals out of exam gloves…and fewer people will! If you can’t be good, be memorable.

Leo

Leo is in need of balance. That means more than buying snacks from all four vending machines on the floor! Striving for a healthier lifestyle becomes easier if you focus on finding a way to make fitness fun. Try sprinting away from the charge nurse anytime she looks like she has something to ask you. You’ll burn more calories than you ever thought possible!

Virgo

You’re not a prude, Virgo, but you do have certain ideas about how things should be done…and when…and where. Let this serve as a reminder to you of the value of always knocking on doors before entering. And remember that even if you have helpful hints on how the patients engaged in ‘off-label’ activities could improve the experience, it’s probably prudent to keep them to yourself.

Libra

Before you send out an APB to find your patient’s missing dentures, make sure to check their mouth, their pocket, and their night table drawer. It might be a fruitless endeavor – or it could just be the second look needed to save you lots of needless aggravation.

Scorpio

It’s not nice to start speaking in tongues when work calls with a question just moments after you’ve fallen deeply asleep. Still, incoherence is probably preferable to what you really wanted to say. Good luck exercising your restraint and professionalism this week, Scorpio. You’re going to need it.

Sagittarius

Into every life some rain must fall…and into every shift it seems there must be a saline shower with your name on it. Sagittarius faces a damp and inconvenient week. Keep smiling as long as you can: it’ll frighten away the more annoying people.

Capricorn

Capricorn needs a little R&R. Be kind to yourself this week: you’ve been performing at top levels and now the stress is beginning to show. Find ways to entertain yourself, like giving the really irate visitor your ‘favorite’ resident’s name in place of your own or designing high fashion gowns out of Chux and tape.

Aquarius

There are questions in this world that have no answer, but curious Aquarius can not keep themselves from asking. “Exactly why did you think that would be a good idea?” can be an illuminating question for nurse and patient alike. Enjoy!

Pisces

Pisces puts aside their normal dreaminess to kick butt and take names this week. You’ve tried being patient and understanding, but enough is enough. It’s time to impose order and get things straightened out – and if you can id the person who keeps swiping your lunch, so much the better. Try keeping entrees in specimen bottles to cut down on sticky fingers – but remember not to eat your snacks in front of civilians!

Aries

As tempting as it may be, Aries, don’t attempt to stage your own version of Mythbusters while at work. Yes, it’s cool to see how unexpected things look when thrust into the MRI — but when the powers that be find out what you’re up to, the urban legend won’t be the only thing ‘busted’.

Taurus

9 times out of 10, Taurus, you’re safe to trust your instincts. That tenth time is a doozy, though. This week has you second guessing everything. Don’t be afraid to ask for input from others – and consider the wisdom you hear from a surprising source most carefully. They may be onto something. (Or it could just be the Ativan talking…)

Gemini

Ogling someone’s ‘lovely veins’ isn’t the usual way to strike up a friendship, but hey, if it works for you, go for it. Gemini is feeling super social, and the world’s returning the favor. You’re used to meeting people from all walks of life. This week, that flexibility will serve you well.

Checking the Star Charts: Nurse Horoscopes

What will this week hold? Check the Star Charts! These predictions are carefully compiled by JNJ’s resident astrologer, Wazzata Comet, who watches the stars from a hospital rooftop somewhere near you. (Due to the fact that Wazzata once confused the landing lights on the Medi-Flight with a meteor shower, our lawyers ask that you please don’t confuse her predictions with actual, useful advice!)

Gemini

Gemini’s dual nature means you feel conflicted most of the time, but this week, you’re in overdrive! Should you respond to the call light in bed 4 (sure to need her pillow fluffed again), the screaming from bed 6 who wants to see the doctor NOW (and demands you produce him from wherever you’ve been hiding him) or the DON who wants you to see what you can do about boosting those Press-Gainey scores? Decisiveness is essential: try prioritizing by volume…

Cancer

Housekeeping issues dominate Cancer’s week. Pay particular attention to the cleanliness of floors: puddles of undetermined origin and suspicious odor have the potential to completely disrupt your well-planned day. Always check the seat before you sit down this week: a surprise soggy bottom is going to do nothing to lift your spirits.

Leo

Not all who wander are lost, Leo, but if you persist in following your walkabout patient just to ‘see where they go’ the pair of you might wind up in an undiscovered country. Curiosity is only indicated to be fatal in felines, but you never know when it’ll jump species – exercise caution this week, especially on Thursday!

Virgo

Virgo loves to ask questions. What Virgo doesn’t always love to do is listen to the answers. This can make taking histories particularly challenging…focusing may not be fun, but it will make your life easier in the long term. By the end of the week, you’ll hear at least two things that surprise you.

Libra

Oh Libra, Libra, what are you up to? Planning and plotting aren’t your usual style: be careful before you get in way over your head. Try to swap off one annoying patient too many and find yourself in the middle of the latest Unit Drama. Be there to lend a hand because it’s the right thing to do, not because it’ll advance your secret agenda.

Scorpio

Happiness may be a warm puppy but no one likes finding dog hair in the blanket warmer. Remember to pay attention to the spirit and the letter of the law. Your own personal interpretation of rules and regulations may make medicine infinitely more entertaining, but you’ll wind up with a boatload of paperwork to do.

Sagittarius

Sleepless Sagittarius battles insomnia this week. What’s keeping you up at night? You might be replaying your shift over and over in your mind, but that’s no fun. Try pondering great philosophical questions instead. Need one to get started? If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he naked or homeless?

Capricorn

There’s a time, Capricorn, to be meek, humble, and retiring. That time is not this week. You’re rocking the whole Nurse thing: let your light shine! Hard work does pay off…it may have taken longer than you expected but this is the time you see the paycheck for all your effort. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to be Super Nurse when the CEO’s great-great-great grandmother comes in this week.

Aquarius

Aquarius has a passion for continuing education. Discovering the best medical response to this week’s Blue Plate Special in the cafeteria can lead you into new and fascinating areas of research…and if you can make Dr. Crankypants feel better after he ate a double portion? Life will be easier for WEEKS!

Pisces

It may be darkest before the dawn, but Code Browns can show up at any point in your shift. This can be when you discover that the scrubs you stow in your locker in case of emergency got used up the last time you had an emergency…plan ahead to avoid stinky awkwardness in all areas of your life this week.

Aries

Being a team player means passing the ball sometimes, Aries! You don’t have to do everything yourself, and the fact you’re trying to means something’s wrong…delegation may be difficult but screaming for help when you’re completely overwhelmed will seriously damage your uber-cool reputation.

Taurus

Dreamy Taurus’ attention is elsewhere this week. There are reasons you’re so distractable, but you need to be in the here and now…before you walk away with your colleague’s cup of coffee. Chances are they won’t appreciate the ‘mugging’! Don’t worry: everything you are fretting about will resolve by week’s end.

Nurse Horoscopes! 5/16/11-5/21/11

What type of week do you have in store? Look to the stars!

Taurus

Live and let live Taurus normally avoids conflict at all costs – but this week you’re willing to go all in to defend a strongly held point of view. If you’re sure you’re right, go for it – but if you have even the slightest sliver of doubt, check your facts first! An ounce of prudence is worth an awful lot of apologizing.

Gemini

New clinical studies show that there aren’t any answers! Being a Gemini, you are both relieved and troubled by this revelation. Take comfort where you can find it, and ignore the rest – this week promises to be so busy it’s doubtful you’ll even remember reading this horoscope by Monday.

Cancer

Taking charge of your career success doesn’t mean ‘helpfully’ filling in the work schedule – others, especially those in power, might see it as an overreach. Step back and trust other people to do what they’re supposed to be doing…you’ll find your stress levels dropping dramatically.

Leo

Appearances can be deceiving – but sometimes they can tell the truth, Leo! Don’t feel guilty about trusting your intuition…we have those insights for a reason. Sometimes that reason is to stop us eating from the tuna salad that should be ‘fine’ – and sometimes the reason is far more serious.

Virgo

Sometimes you’re the windshield, and sometimes you’re the bug…but this week, you’re the fussy auto detailer who has a whole week of bug-scraping scheduled. Your attention to detail can make life unduly interesting this week. It’s surprising what people will say when they don’t think anyone is paying attention.

Libra

Money can’t buy happiness, but you can get pretty darn close…Financial concerns loom large for Libra this week. Resist the temptation to work every shift possible – there will be sick people who need care next week as well. A slow and steady approach will pay greater dividends than trying to fix all of your problems in one pay period.

Scorpio

If you really want to know someone, Scorpio, make them mad. That way you’ll get to see them at their purest, rawest self – that inner authenticity that Scorpio prizes. Of course, that might be the last time you get to see them, so exercise some judgement! Your normally abrasive self will not mesh well with authority figures this week.

Sagittarius

Some days it doesn’t pay to chew through the leather straps, Sagittarius. But this week, you’ve got a craving for exercises in futility…an appetite that can be completely sated before an entire shift elapses. Enjoy tilting at windmills – or getting callers to understand that you just can’t update them on “how Mom’s doing!” if they refuse to tell you who they are!

Capricorn

Did you hear about the new cure for constipation? If it works, being ‘bound up’ can be a thing of the past – talk about endangered feces! Capricorn is optimistic this week – but can tell a stinky situation from a mile away.

Aquarius

The time is right, Aquarius! You can hesitate no longer. Join Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump in letting the world know you won’t be running for President in 2012! Will that quell rumors that you’re looking for greener pastures? Probably not – but is anything more fun than a press conference?

Pisces

Dreamy Pisces just wants everyone to get along and live in peace and harmony. Barring that, you’ll settle for a waiting room that doesn’t look like the lost episode of Jerry Springer. The key to happiness can be having exceptionally low standards!

Aries

Combative Aries loves battling germs, defeating disease, and booting obnoxious visitors right off of the unit. This week will give you lots to be happy about – and victory is almost certainly guaranteed on at least one front!

Nurse Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes ONLY! Do not plan your life, your career, or your future upon these predictions!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Taurus

Better call in Plastics, Taurus – that’s the only way you’ll be able to put a good face on everything that happens this week.  Circumstances will be challenging. Remember that honesty is the best policy – and it makes documentation a lot easier!

Gemini

It’s a good idea to leave work at work and home at home, but if you must confuse the two, Gemini, choose to bring home to work…even the best aide in the world has their own plans for after hours!

Cancer

Full speed ahead, Cancer! You’re going to be busier than a one-armed paper hanger this week – and you don’t even LIKE interior decorating! Do what you have to do, but don’t forget to delegate. You don’t have to save the world all by yourself.

Leo

Leo’s tendency toward the noble gesture can easily slip into mawkish martyrdom. Check your behavior and your motivations – and then check your vacation time.  Maybe a little R&R will help you readjust the way your view your endeavors.

Virgo

Excitement is in the air as Virgo comes into their own.  Look out world! It’s hard to tell what you’ve got planned, but one thing is for sure – after you’re done, everything will be so exquisitely organized…

Libra

Normally a people person, Libra has a tough time forming appropriate emotional bonds this week.  You’re feeling guarded, and no wonder – after the month you’ve had, you’re entitled to feel fragile. But we can’t live cut off from the world.  Try finding something you can feel passionate about. We recommend dark chocolate bars as a starter.

Scorpio

Gloating is your favorite sport, Scorpio, but this isn’t the week to play “I told you so!” games.  Pride comes before a fall, and you don’t want to faceplant!

Sagittarius

Surround yourself with supplies this week, Sagittarius. Stock up with provisions.  Do what you need to do to prepare yourself for one of the busiest weeks in recent memory. You’ll come through it smiling if you prepare ahead of time.

Capricorn

Capricorn enjoys a bouquet of blessings this week. Opportunities abound and there are no limits to how successful you can be. Just remember to be selective: choose those paths that promise to lead to happiness in the long term.

Aquarius

Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Unless you’re making a souffle.  Then it’s a really good idea to  know exactly how many eggs are at your disposal. Expect great breakfasts in your future.

Pisces

Should you stay or should you go  now? Pisces hates making decisions at the best of times, and this is not the best of times. Listen carefully to the advice people will be lining up to give you, and then throw it all out. Counsel you seek out is another issue; those words have great merit.

Aries

Do you think that elevators ever get bored just going up and down, up and down? Routine can be stifling, but the familiar can also provide comfort. Aries’ urge is to shake things up.  Make sure this is the time.  Some things don’t take to shaking well.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Leo

If nurses eat their young, Leo, how come they never stock nurses in the vending machine? This is your week to counter negativity in the workplace. Serious silliness may be in order.

Virgo

Although it’s tempting to tell Call-Button Cathy that permanent pain relief is, in fact, possible, let it go. Nothing good will come out of it, and she’ll resent the time it took her to figure it out.

Libra

99% of patient visitors give the rest a bad name. Try keeping a sense of perspective this week, Libra!

Scorpio

It seems like no one is listening to what you say, Scorpio — but just try making one mistake! Your audience is larger than you ever imagined.

Sagittarius

The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the patient’s ability to reach it. This week, you have patients with extremely short arms: they can’t reach their itches, their butts, their pillows — anything except the call light button! Smart nurses will quickly figure out the appropriate intervention here: move the call light out of reach!

Capricorn

Scheduling stress starts early in the week: if only we could get time in a bottle to be used PRN! Lacking that, some really good blackmail pics of your NM might help you get that much-needed time off AND keep your position secure.

Aquarius

Clear communication with a colleague might smooth out a troubling situation — but is it worth the stress and tension it’ll take to start the conversation? Flip a coin: heads means yes, tails means probably.

Pisces

Confidence is a function of experience — just hang in there a little longer and you’ll start feeling better about what’s making you anxious. Don’t beat yourself up by feeling like you *should* know everything — you can be a nurse for 20 years and still have a bad shift!

Aries

Problems on the unit? Recommend a solution that requires more paperwork, more labor, and more stress — it might not actually solve the problem, but you’ll be picked out as a shining star by management and moved into administration, where those unit problems? Are no longer yours. Normally optimistic Aries is feeling down this week, but it will pass by Thursday.

Taurus

The grass may be greener somewhere else, Taurus — but that may be because that’s where the septic tank is! You’re making choices this week: make sure you do your due diligence first and investigate what the situation really is before you make any moves.

Gemini

This will be a week full of learning experiences. We’re sorry. Under no circumstances, say the “Q” word this week.

Cancer

Escapism is a perfectly valid way to deal with stress and overwhelm…try going wherever it is the doctors and residents go when they don’t answer THEIR phones & pages!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!