ER Terminology and Glossary by Paul Millard, RN, Etc

FDGB

Fall Down Go Boom, a patient who has unsuccessfully attempted to break the law of gravity. Usage “EMS is inbound with a FDGB.”

Siamese Friendship Bracelets

Handcuffs.

Level 1 Drama

A hysterical or hyperventilating patient and/or family.

SPTWD

Pronounced “spitwad.” Refers to a Self Propelled Toxic Waste Dump, interchangeable with Self Perpetuating Toxic Waste Dump. A chronic substance abuser.

Crypod

A screaming child.

S*** Magnet

A doctor who attracts lots of patients.

The “Q” word

“Quiet,” a word that, if used in the ER, is proven to bring the wrath of obscure Gods who will rapidly rain down upon the ER prodigious numbers of very ill patients.

Meal break

5 to 10 minutes to go to the bathroom, obtain and consume a meal, enjoy a cup of coffee, and rest, before you’re paged overhead to come take orders from a doctor by phone.

Coffee break

Not applicable.

Pyxis

The drug equivalent of an ATM. Built in stress sensors will cause it to fail or require you to change your password during a cardiac arrest or major trauma. Proven can opener proof by the author.

Cell Phone

Senses the healthcare providers presence and emits loud obnoxious sounds. A device designed to distract patients from attempts to treat them.

The tattoo paradox.

The more tattoos a male patient has, the more likely he is to fear needles. Does not work with females.

Triage

The process of prioritizing care so that loud complaining patients are sent to the waiting room while the patients who are quietly sitting there dying are brought directly to a room for lifesaving care.

Bedpan or urinal

Torture device to force patients to overcome a lifetime habit of not urinating or having a bowel movement while in bed.

Shift

The amount of time you are given to do 2 times the humanly possible amount of work. In theory, contains beginning and ending times which in reality are either from another time zone or dimension.

Writeup

Whimsical documentation of your inability to do the impossible. The more absurdly inaccurate it is, the more likely you will be asked to explain the occurrence in 3 sentences or less.

Complaint Scale

None = very ill

Pain = ill

Uncomfortable bed = a little sick

Poor cell-phone reception = ready for discharge.