Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Posts Tagged 'capricorn'

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Capricorn

This week brings a rash of Christmas gift-induced injuries, Capricorn. You’ll find it hard to believe what people manage to do to themselves with a Snuggie!

Aquarius

Thou shalt not empty the bedpan into the annoying visitor’s conveniently open tote bag…no matter how much you want to!

Pisces

Poor Pisces! On the go, go, go this holiday season, you’re considering booking an international flight for the luxury of being ‘forced’ to remain in a seat for an hour.

Aries

Eager Aries loves a party — and the fact you’re working New Year’s Eve isn’t going to stop you from having fun. Strategic re-purposing of medical supplies can create that festive air and all your patients will LOVE being woken up just in time to ring in the New Year!

Taurus

Frustrations abound, but steady, stubborn Taurus remains eerily calm. If you can’t find something to freak out about, fake it…otherwise those diversion whispers are going to start!

Gemini

It’s a full moon Thursday, Gemini. If you start now, you might be able to build a secure bunker in the supply room just in time to hide out from all the ‘excitement’.

Cancer

Beware of administrators bearing gifts — there might be a lot of uncovered shifts you don’t know about…YET.

Leo

Perpetually perky colleagues are annoying — but when 80% of them call in, you find yourself longign for their smiling faces.

Virgo

You love making resolutions Virgo, but remember to be realistic! Being the perfect nurse, the perfect parent and the perfect romantic partner is quite a goal. Try picking just one of those and going easy on yourself.

Libra

Going to work gives you a much needed respite from the hustle and bustle of home. Sad but true!

Scorpio

A co-worker’s efforts to spread holiday cheer initially provokes your scorn, but your tune changes when you join in the fun. Half the joy comes from the shocked look on your colleague’s face!

Sagittarius

You missed out (barely!) on a Code Brown Christmas, but fret not: the year won’t end with you unsatisfied!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY! Do not make major life decisions based on what Suzanne or any other astrologer tells you. Ask your Mother instead. She loves to tell you what to do!

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Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Sagittarius

The holiday season surrounds Sagittarius with good tidings and cheer — if only you could take a moment to stop and enjoy them! Midweek worries melt away as a special event approaches: relax, you’re stressing more than you need to.

Capricorn

No, Capricorn, that’s not Christmas fudge the new admit is covered in. Your optimism is a beautiful testament to the power of the holiday season, though!

Aquarius

They say nurses eat their young, and we know your tummy’s rumbling, but you’re making the unit nervous carrying around that bottle of barbecue sauce!

Pisces

At some point between Tuesday evening and Thursday afternoon, the continual holiday music being played in your facility will drive you completely bonkers, at which point you will have no alternative but to do a soft-shoe dance routine down the hall! Be prepared.

Aries

The truth will be revealed this week, Aries, and although you might not like it at first, it will turn out to be the best gift you get all season.

Taurus

Ever notice how the changes that are supposed to make your life easier, your charting faster, your patient satisfaction higher, and your thighs thinner actually make things more complicated in the long run? The trick is to design a system that would change everything back to the simple, efficient way you used to do things and then sell the administration on it…

Gemini

Frustration and anger disappears this week in a sudden burst of laughter. Invite joy into your life, and all the troubles that have been plaguing you will fall into their proper perspective. (Although calling in in order to watch the entire season of SCRUBS probably won’t endear you to your co-workers!)

Cancer

Is there a problem you can’t fix, Cancer? You’re called for all kinds of situations this week: TV remotes that don’t work, lights that burn out, spills in the hallway, clogged toilets, and more — and that’s before that silly life-saving stuff you call work!


Leo

On a rare moment away from work, a random stranger will ask you a deeply involved, very personal medical question. As much as it is an imposition on your time, it is your sworn duty to inform them of the 73,000 Deadly Serious Diseases that manifest exactly the symptoms being described and urge them to the hospital before their limbs fall off. If and when the patient sees you after the fact, deny ever having the conversation. This will perk up an otherwise relatively boring week.


Virgo

What do you know? They were out to get you. This week, you’ll be picking up the pieces of someone else’s mistake, correcting other people’s errors, and generally saving the day. It’s a good thing you’re Super Nurse!

Libra

Your charts are full of inspiration and artistic expression, Libra…that’s why you can’t stop singing carols all day long. But you might be rendered speechless by a surprising development on Thursday.

Scorpio

The newest non-invasive stress test? Mention to your patients that there’s only 11 days til Christmas! That’ll get that pulse rate right up! It’s Scorpio’s week for innovative health care techniques.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY! Do not make major life decisions based on what Suzanne or any other astrologer tells you.  Just soak up the absolutely astonishing entertainment value and you’ll be great .

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Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Sagittarius

Does fruitcake actually look any different after serving a stint as a bowel obstruction? Inquiring minds want to know, but if you’re lucky, Sagittarius, this week you’ll get to find out!

Capricorn

Your diagnostic skills save the day, Capricorn! Getting the vending machine running again saves the unit’s morale — good for you!

Aquarius

Once in a lifetime, everything runs perfectly as planned. That moment won’t be this week! Your grace juggling multiple tasks, soothing cranky doctors, and wrangling wayward patients will make it seem that way, though.

Pisces

Be careful, Pisces. Your ego has swollen like a pre-eclamptic patient with a potato chip addiction.  Rein in the self-praise before someone does it for you!

Aries

You’ve heard of a ‘gut instinct’? Nurses have a highly developed gut instinct — we can tell when all of the junk bubbling around in a patient’s belly is going to come out! This week, you’ll be very glad of your gut instinct!

Taurus

You thought you were ‘unshockable’ but you thought wrong, Taurus!  Exciting adventures had by others leave you shaking your head — but is that judgment or envy?

Gemini

Less is more, Gemini.  Except when it comes to Ativan.  Then more is good.

Cancer

Soft hearted Cancer is overwhelmed by emotion as the holidays creep closer.  Take time out to focus on the good times and enjoy yourself: it’s too soon to call a Code Blue Christmas!


Leo

It’s a good idea to cover your assets, Leo, but this week you’re forced to delve deeply and examine  your inner nature. It might be tense at first, but don’t worry — this too shall pass!

Virgo

Paranoia is not normally contagious, but you seem to have contracted quite a case, Virgo.  Shadowy conversations and conspiracy theories fill your thoughts.  Don’t take this as a sign that they’re NOT out to get you!

Libra

A colleague is feeling down, and you’re determined to cheer her up.  Before you go all Secret Santa on her, step back and see where you could lend a hand.  Friendly assistance is the gift she’d value the most!

Scorpio

Life’s too short for regret.  Scorpio finds herself fired up this week.  Your brash, take-no-prisoners, tell-it-how-it-is approach might not win you many fans, but things will get done.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY! Do not make major life decisions based on what Suzanne or any other astrologer tells you.  Really.  For true guidance, you want to examine the internal organs of black-feathered roosters.

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Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Sagittarius

While “Too stupid to live” might be technically accurate, it’s not the most politically correct thing to write on your patient’s chart, Sagittarius. You’ll be happy you exercised restraint when you discover exactly who that idiot is related to!

Capricorn

There’s been an outbreak of Hilton Syndrome at your facility; that toxic, highly contagious condition that leads patients to believe they’re actually staying at a luxury hotel and not in a hospital. Symptoms include requests to plump up pillows, open and shut curtains, and make the room mate’s monitoring equipment beep less often (actually, if it’s not too much trouble, could you just shut that off…) Your patience will be tested, Capricorn, but you are made of stern stuff and shall do well, aside from one wobbly moment on Thursday.

Aquarius

Frustrations mount early in the week, Aquarius, and needless stupidity angers you. Mitigate stress by taking time out to do things that make you happy. A brief respite will provide the much needed recharge your batteries are longing for!

Pisces

Entitlement is the issue of the week, Pisces, as manifested by your very wealthy patient’s meltdown when you have no medication samples to give them. Make it work for you: after listening to that nonsense, you’re surely entitled to a quick ten minute break to restore your sanity!

Aries

This week provides you with an opportunity to educate your fellow nurses. How else would they know you can do a triple somersault after slip-sliding through a puddle housekeeping ‘missed’ and still land on your feet? I don’t know if they’re going to believe your claim that you did an assessment at the same time, but it’s worth a shot!

Taurus

Six romantic proposals this week, Taurus, and only five of them from people who didn’t realize those gowns can actually be tied closed… You’re the belle (or babe!) of the ball.

Gemini

Cleanliness is next to Godliness…so the next time you go on a mission to find some kind, any kind, of cleaning supplies for the unit, try looking next to the chapel! If they’re not there, perhaps they’re sold in the store down the road from the Church or Synagouge. It’s worth a shot…

Cancer

When the patient presents with an ambition deficiency, a list of convenient allergies, and nebulous, unspecified pain, you get one point. When they tell you they’re allergic to male nurses (if they’re male) or female nurses (if they’re female), it’s another point. And so on and so on, until they’ve accumulated enough points to win a free trip back home! (Or your shift ends, whichever comes first!) If anyone questions your score-keeping, tell them Bravo is filming you for a new reality TV show.


Leo

Negativity swirls around your facility this week, Leo, but you’re not going to buy into that. You’re going to walk away from the gossip, side step the back biting, and ignore all of the nonsense. Or you’re going to learn to be really, really discreet. One of those two things will definitely happen.

Virgo

Just because you’re paranoid, Virgo, doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. Document, document, document. Tape record reports and double check EVERYTHING. Once you’ve driven everyone around you crazy, you’ll be fully qualified to take on a fact-position for a major media outlet. We hear Fox news needs someone.

Libra

Appearances are deceiving, true, but sometimes it’s okay to trust your judgement. This week will present you with an interesting opportunity to put this to the test. (Yes, we’re talking about selecting snacks from the unit holiday party…what did you think we were talking about?)

Scorpio

As much as your fellow nurses are annoying, it’d be nice to SEE some of them as you run from call light to call light, crisis to crisis. Understaffing makes it easy to appreciate other’s good sides and ignore those annoying traits. So when everyone gets over the flu/vacation/holidays/the economic downturn, make sure you let them know how much you appreciate them!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY! Do not make major life decisions based on what Suzanne or any other astrologer tells you.  Really.  For true guidance, you want the i Ching.

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Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Sagittarius

We know you’re silver tongued, Sagittarius, but this week, you’ll find your foot firmly in your mouth if you’re not careful! Communications prove to be troubling until Thursday, at which point much will become clear.

Capricorn

Fears crop up from a long-forgotten corner, Capricorn; anxiety and self-doubt plague every decision. That is until you remember to consider the source of your loudest critics — and the fact they think the hospital is REALLY just like Scrubs!

Aquarius

Logistical triumphs mark your week, Aquarius: who else can dispense meds, track down a wandering patient, get a doctor to clarify an order, answer the call button nineteen times, and re-start the IV pump the visitor shut off for being ‘too loud’ all in the first twelve seconds of a shift?

Pisces

It must be Thanksgiving, Pisces: You’re surrounded by turkeys!

Aries

The unexpected is so usual that you consider even the strangest day routine, Aries, but this week something will happen that will shatter your usual aplomb. Make sure to knock on every door and announce yourself before pulling back every curtain, just to be sure!

Taurus

This week presents you with the opportunity to make exciting self-discoveries, Taurus. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? (Yes, we’d run and hide too…)

Gemini

This holiday season, you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who think your life is either exactly like “Mercy” or “Scrubs” Confuse them by acting out the funny bits of the former and the sexy bits of the latter.

Cancer

Studies DO say that having companion animals speeds recovery times. Lucky you has the patient who decides to test the theory with a head full of crawly little companions. Let’s see if they get well before you get ill!

Leo

It’s amazing, isn’t it, Leo, how the same family members who hadn’t seen Granny in years are now incensed it might take you a minute to respond to her call?

Virgo

You know you’re getting older when your first thought upon hearing about Sketcher’s new line of nursing shoes was not “What do they look like?” but “How comfortable are they?” This week will be full of similar distressing moments of self-knowledge.

Libra

A passionate love affair is beginning on your unit. Everyone knows, but no one wants to say. You can see it in their eyes…the sideways glances, the raised eyebrow. It’s just not natural for someone to be *that* fond of the coffeepot!

Scorpio

Almost every nurse cares for someone famous over the course of this career. This could be your week as the world’s most famous catfish wrangler and professional contortionist needs care.

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