Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Sagittarius

While “Too stupid to live” might be technically accurate, it’s not the most politically correct thing to write on your patient’s chart, Sagittarius. You’ll be happy you exercised restraint when you discover exactly who that idiot is related to!

Capricorn

There’s been an outbreak of Hilton Syndrome at your facility; that toxic, highly contagious condition that leads patients to believe they’re actually staying at a luxury hotel and not in a hospital. Symptoms include requests to plump up pillows, open and shut curtains, and make the room mate’s monitoring equipment beep less often (actually, if it’s not too much trouble, could you just shut that off…) Your patience will be tested, Capricorn, but you are made of stern stuff and shall do well, aside from one wobbly moment on Thursday.

Aquarius

Frustrations mount early in the week, Aquarius, and needless stupidity angers you. Mitigate stress by taking time out to do things that make you happy. A brief respite will provide the much needed recharge your batteries are longing for!

Pisces

Entitlement is the issue of the week, Pisces, as manifested by your very wealthy patient’s meltdown when you have no medication samples to give them. Make it work for you: after listening to that nonsense, you’re surely entitled to a quick ten minute break to restore your sanity!

Aries

This week provides you with an opportunity to educate your fellow nurses. How else would they know you can do a triple somersault after slip-sliding through a puddle housekeeping ‘missed’ and still land on your feet? I don’t know if they’re going to believe your claim that you did an assessment at the same time, but it’s worth a shot!

Taurus

Six romantic proposals this week, Taurus, and only five of them from people who didn’t realize those gowns can actually be tied closed… You’re the belle (or babe!) of the ball.

Gemini

Cleanliness is next to Godliness…so the next time you go on a mission to find some kind, any kind, of cleaning supplies for the unit, try looking next to the chapel! If they’re not there, perhaps they’re sold in the store down the road from the Church or Synagouge. It’s worth a shot…

Cancer

When the patient presents with an ambition deficiency, a list of convenient allergies, and nebulous, unspecified pain, you get one point. When they tell you they’re allergic to male nurses (if they’re male) or female nurses (if they’re female), it’s another point. And so on and so on, until they’ve accumulated enough points to win a free trip back home! (Or your shift ends, whichever comes first!) If anyone questions your score-keeping, tell them Bravo is filming you for a new reality TV show.

Leo

Negativity swirls around your facility this week, Leo, but you’re not going to buy into that. You’re going to walk away from the gossip, side step the back biting, and ignore all of the nonsense. Or you’re going to learn to be really, really discreet. One of those two things will definitely happen.

Virgo

Just because you’re paranoid, Virgo, doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. Document, document, document. Tape record reports and double check EVERYTHING. Once you’ve driven everyone around you crazy, you’ll be fully qualified to take on a fact-position for a major media outlet. We hear Fox news needs someone.

Libra

Appearances are deceiving, true, but sometimes it’s okay to trust your judgement. This week will present you with an interesting opportunity to put this to the test. (Yes, we’re talking about selecting snacks from the unit holiday party…what did you think we were talking about?)

Scorpio

As much as your fellow nurses are annoying, it’d be nice to SEE some of them as you run from call light to call light, crisis to crisis. Understaffing makes it easy to appreciate other’s good sides and ignore those annoying traits. So when everyone gets over the flu/vacation/holidays/the economic downturn, make sure you let them know how much you appreciate them!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY! Do not make major life decisions based on what Suzanne or any other astrologer tells you.  Really.  For true guidance, you want the i Ching.