Columns - Journal of Nursing Jocularity

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Ye Olde Effective Nursing Communication Strategy

Posted by kbuxman on March 29, 2011

The next time you are on the reciprocating end of an unwarranted rant by a physician, I want you to talk to them in Olde English. What’s this you say, a way to screw with AH doctors? How do I sign up?

Let me give you an example:

Let’s say a certain surgeon who shall not be named tells you that one of his patients is coming in and to call him as soon as they arrive at the hospital.

Shortly thereafter, the patient arrives but now the surgeon is nowhere to be found.

You call him over the intercom, inquire his locale at the OR desk and physically circle the hospital to no avail. Sure, you have patients to care for and things to chart, but having time to do your job is boring! You decide to make it more challenging by going on a wild goose chase.

Eventually, you give up the search and call out a page. You didn’t want to resort to something so drastic, so extreme, as to make a phone call. But, not only did he ask you to call him, the patient has been pacing the floor for an hour and is now quite loudly demanding the appearance of said surgeon.

Fast forward another 30 minutes… (more…)

Tags: funny nurse, how to handle cranky doctors, medieval humor, nurse humor

Posted in: Columns, Uncategorized

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Classic Colonoscopy Humor

Posted by kbuxman on March 14, 2011

We can’t celebrate Colon Cancer Awareness Month without sharing these classic lines purportedly shared by patients during their screening:

1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

5.. “You know, in four states , we’re now legally married.”

6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”

8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!

10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

And the best one of all..

12. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

Posted in: Columns

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50 Ways To Clean Your Colon

Posted by kbuxman on March 7, 2011

With apologies to Paul Simon!

The problem is deep inside your bowels
The doctor said to me
The answer is easy if you
Just drink this Go-Lytely!
It’s time to stop the pain you’re feeling
Can you see?
There must be fifty ways
To clean your colon

Polyps, blockages, and more delights
The doc wants to view
Scopes are warmed up and waiting
For a close up on track two
But before we start
At the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways
To clean your colon
Fifty ways to clean your colon

[CHORUS:]

We’ve got to clean out the back, Jack
Do what you can, Stan
Be a big boy, Roy
And drink all the prep!
Don’t make a big fuss, Gus
It used to taste worse – much!
Just wait until you see, Lee
How clean your colon can be!

Tags: colon song, funny nurse, song parody

Posted in: Columns

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Was Abraham Lincoln A Nurse?

Posted by kbuxman on February 21, 2011

This President’s Day, our crack team of JNJ researchers have a question: Was Abraham Lincoln a nurse? Sure, he appeared to be busy being the President – but if you listen to some of the man’s actual quotes, he certainly seems to SOUND like a nurse:

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee!

(Said by many nurses in the wee hours of a night shift!)

Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.

(How quickly would Lincoln have made it to the call light?)

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

(Try that on patients who complain about your appearance!)

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

(And now we know why docs don’t answer those middle of the night pages!)

Tags: Abraham Lincoln, call light, docs who don't answer pages, JNJ Researchers, night shift, President, sound like a nurse, two-faced

Posted in: Columns

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Nursing Romance 411: Valentine’s Days Do’s and Don’ts

Posted by kbuxman on February 14, 2011

It’s Valentine’s Day! What’s the romantic (but busy!) nurse to do to make this day special? We offer up the Nursing Romance 411 Valentine’s Day Do’s and Don’ts to get you through the next 24 hours!

Do: Give of yourself! Valentine’s Day is all about the sentiment. Your sweetie wants a gift that really emphasizes the connection between the two of you. Think personal.

Don’t:Give too much. Infection control is important, people! MRSA isn’t on anyone’s wish list. A special holiday means leaving work at work.

Do: Go with a traditional V-day favorite: Chocolate!

Don’t: Give chocolate you bought out of the unit vending machine at the end of the shift! (All that’s left then is Almond Joy bars — and if you’re reduced to granola bars or Sunchips forget it!)

Do: Go somewhere nice for the dinner.

Don’t:Forget that the hospital cafeteria is not ‘somewhere nice’! Even if they’re serving that awesome chicken a la king special…

Do:Listen when your lover says they want to be pampered with affection.

Don’t:Take them literally. Trust us. This is advice you can depend on.

Do:Tell your sweetie how much you like their body.

Don’t: Include the phrase “Great veins!’

Posted in: Columns

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