see more So Much Pun
Archive for 'Uncategorized'
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
“In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober!”
As you can imagine, new parents have lots of questions. If you’re working L&D, you’ll want to be prepared with answers ahead of time, to help improve patient satisfaction and to save your precious mental energy for things like remembering where you parked after a 37-hour shift with 5 sets of new twins, 3 fainting residents, and a partridge in a pear tree that the florist dropped off with a card reading “For the New Mom!”
With that in mind, we share the L&D Nurse’s Guide to Commonly Asked Questions:
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called a breeze.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
One of our older patients had been complaining of insomnia. He just couldn’t sleep, and was determined that he didn’t want any sleep aids.
“I just don’t believe in ‘em!” he’d say, and that was that.
So I tried asking him if, since it seemed pretty certain that he wasn’t going to sleep, there was anything he could do to occupy himself and distract himself from the fact he wasn’t sleeping.
He thought about it for a while, and then came up with a plan. “I might as well get my laxative pill now,” he said. “Then I’ll be sure to be occupied!”