Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Taurus

Embrace the freedom of “Outside the scope of my practice” this week, Taurus…it will save you from arranging cab rides for distant relatives, distracting Baby-Daddy while the husband is visiting, and figuring out who will do the best job grooming the patient’s Pomeranian, FiFi Princess Superstar!

Gemini

Why do we see tentacles in your future? Oh… oh, dear. This week, uhm, you… no, it doesn’t matter. Just hang on. And don’t wear skirts.  Especially you male nurses!

Cancer

Quitting smoking is easy, Cancer — most people do it dozens of times!  Having patience with those facing a difficult challenge is one of your toughest tasks this week: tap into those reserves of compassion, empathy, tranquilizers…whatever you need to get through!

Leo

Looking for a confidence boost, Leo? Take a moment and reflect on how far you’ve come in the past five years: you have done amazing things, touched people’s lives, and made the world a better place.  Hold that head up high: you are AMAZING!

Virgo

You strive always to put yourself in the other person’s shoes: bear in mind that we don’t all make our way through this world walking. Expand your paradigm of understanding — but remember to be kind to yourself, none of us gets everything right off the bat.

Libra

Check the Martyr Monitor: are you trying to be all things to all people at the expense of your own happiness? We’re seeing some red flags, and perhaps your colleagues are too: the best nurses take care of their own needs!

Scorpio

Quick: who said, “If you’re going to be wrong, be wrong with confidence – most people won’t notice the difference?” No, it’s not the surgeon you’re assisting — but you keep on telling him it was the patient who wrote “Don’t Cut This Off” on every limb, appendage, and bare piece of skin.

Sagittarius

Define this term: The scenario that develops when you fail to prevent one physician from giving a set of orders that will irritate the other physician? Clue: The answer’s not Tuesday but it will sure feel like it!

Capricorn

Strange how the patients who have families who are never satisfied with ANYTHING also have very low self esteem. It helps to remember this week that you’re not the only one who’s performance is being judged; you’re the nurse, but the patient has to suffer and then recover in the way the family deems best — even if that has no relationship to reality at all! This realization makes the day easier — but it doesn’t help as much as a day off does!

Aquarius

Remember, those poor decision making skills you’re being so critical of play an integral role in ensuring you job security!

Pisces

The visitor who is sicker than the patient is ALWAYS the one who wants to discuss the patient’s care in great, close-proximity detail.

Aries

You can always tell the psychologist in any group of doctors: they’re the one watching how the patients react when the doc walks in the room! This week, you get to revel in the great knowledge you have of the doctors’ schedules, how quickly they’ll write orders and other thrilling bits of information nurses have special access to…

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aries

The patient’s family who whistles at you to get your attention has the audacity to be shocked when you complete the metaphor and bite them…so exercise restraint, Aries, no matter how tempting it may be. This too shall pass.

Taurus

You discover a never-fail cure for insomnia: three doubles in a row means no more sleepless nights!

Gemini

Maintaining boundaries is important, Gemini. Take the steps needed to protect your emotional and physical resources. We recommend the “Stick your fingers in your ears and sing LA LA LA!” really loud method. It’s guaranteed to stop people from telling you more than you ever wanted to know.

Cancer

The days of restraining patients may be behind us, but restraining visitors? There’s an idea with merit, Cancer…just be tactful in how you present it to administration.

Leo

Look for the positive, Leo! The practice you’ll get wearing your poker face this week will allow you to clean up the next time you attend an all-night card game!

Virgo

Who knew that “If I go in that room again, one of us isn’t coming out alive!” wasn’t a movie quote but something overheard on your very unit, Virgo? It’s just like living in Hollywood! Watch out for the paparazzi!

Libra

The one great thing about a Code Brown at the crack of dawn: the day is only going to get better!

Scorpio

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Scorpio, nothing that you see, hear, or encounter this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Sagittarius

Folks who tout the value of simple language have clearly never had a chance — or a reason — to use the word prurulent.

Capricorn

Did you know that being on your feet all day can produce very close veins, Capricorn? This week will be full of patients giving YOU helpful medical advice. Make sure you learn how to prevent the dreaded fleas bite us!

Aquarius

Go-Lytely shakes your faith in truth in advertising this week, Aquarius. We hope you can make it through.

Pisces

Do not purge the nurses’ station of snack foods unless you are ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY SURE that they don’t belong to anyone. You’d be amazed how fond some people are of three week old Cheetos.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aries

Nervous about a new responsibility, Aries needs to take a deep breath and remember: this is not the first time you’ve been nervous, but you’ve made it every time thus far.

Taurus

You have to be able to care for yourself, Taurus, before you can care for others. Steal a moment to stop, breathe, center, and then it’s back to full speed ahead.

Gemini

You will be hounded for medical information by everyone you know and their best friend as a ‘bug’ sweeps through the town. If you can hold out until Wednesday before informing every one they have inflamed hypochondrial glands and a severe case of Iwantddayoffitis, we shall applaud your self restraint as a work of art.

Cancer

Relationships issues outside of work make the calm, peaceful surroundings of the ER at full throttle on the busiest night of the year seem a welcome respite. Hang in there; this too shall pass. Kind of like a kidney stone, but not as fun.

Leo

The patient who was ‘once a nurse!’ turns out to have answered phones in the animal hospital while volunteering in high school, many decades along. Learn to take your lack of surprise at this news as a mark of sophistication, and not an inarguable sign of burn out. It’s better that way.

Virgo

Minds are like parachutes, true, Virgo. They only work when they are open. But in one critical way minds are unlike parachutes, and you WILL get in trouble if you try to throw them out of an airplane. Especially if they’re not yours!

Libra

Does a hypochondriac want to have their ache and eat it too? Your week is full of tough questions, Libra, but relatively few terrible puns.

Scorpio

Not everyone is a complete idiot, Scorpio. Sometimes, parts are missing!

Sagittarius

Search the hospital directory for the psychiatric chiropractor, Sagittarius. That’s where you can send folks to have their attitudes adjusted!

Capricorn

No gift quandries for Capricorn: you already know what to give the man who has everything. Antibiotics!

Aquarius

Attempting to add more veggies to their diet, Aquarius remembers that chocolate is made from cocoa beans and is, hence, a vegetable. There will be much rejoicing, and salad will never be the same again.

Pisces

Never iron a four leaf clover, Pisces, but especially not this week! You don’t want to press your luck!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Aries

Sometimes that learning curve is a vertical line, Aries! Try to remember your student days and be compassionate. You weren’t born knowing everything, either.

Taurus

One way that computerized charting is just like old school paper charting: one misplaced cup of coffee can ruin your whole day! Be careful where you put your cup, Taurus!

Gemini

Never underestimate the power of one well placed whoopie cushion to change the entire tone of the day!

Cancer

Resist the temptation to ask your patient if they want fries with that, as they rattle of a list of things that they expect the nurse to do…they’ll likely say yes!

Leo

Patient education is particularly challenging this week, Leo. We recommend saying “Don’t DO THAT!” in a very loud voice until the message gets through.

Virgo

Setting boundaries is good, Virgo. You’ll know you’re overdoing it when you wake up family members to check their vitals — and YOU’RE still sleeping!

Libra

Consider treating the more terrible parts of the day as a game: for example, how many diseases/disorders/really bad ideas can you diagnose using only your nose?

Scorpio

Calling in Search and Rescue to find out what happened to those meds you were promised would be ‘right there’ is probably excessive, Scorpio. Understandable, but excessive. And the pharmacy would never forgive you.

Sagittarius

It’s always five seconds after you empty the bedpan that another stool sample is needed!

Capricorn

Capricorn finds themselves in ‘stealth nurse’ mode this week, to keep from having anyone who knows you, or anyone you know, or anyone they know, from asking you very detailed, very intimate medical questions. There’s a limit to what you really want to know about great-aunt-Agnes’ neighbor’s son’s girlfriend’s urinary tract.

Aquarius

Patient advocacy is job number one for Aquarius this week, followed shortly by resolving a great deal of paperwork confusion, which turns out to be job number Q!

Pisces

If you work with a lumberjack injured on the job, do you check for post treematic stress?

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!