Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Medical expertise confronts you at every turn, leaving Gemini wondering why so many health and wellness experts need to see the doctor so often!

Cancer

Redundancy rules this week. Teenage boys sampling Dad’s Viagra provide the proof that you can have too much of a good thing. Excitement subsides after Thursday, or really, as soon as you can put some ice on that.

Leo

A lavender, gem-studded stethoscope may not be your style, Leo — but it won’t ‘wander off’ with such regularity, either!

Virgo

The teenage patient who can text 3,500 words a minute with a broken arm needs help wiping herself. Strangely, there’s no app for that!

Libra

That nice person you met on a rare night out clubbing seems strangely familiar – and then you remember wrestling them into restraints after an ETOH on board really bad day. So much for your social life, Libra!

Scorpio

Sleepy Scorpio has low energy this week — and having a patient wander off does provide such a comfy bed…

Sagittarius

L&D Sagittarians need to be kind and NOT let new parents know that delivering the baby is actually the easiest part of parenting.

Capricorn

Boy, you can always tell when a 1,000 Ways to Die marathon has aired, can’t you?

Aquarius

This week, you will see a surgeon apologize. Resist the temptation to build a shrine at the spot to commemorate the event — no one will believe you anyway!

Pisces

Proud Pisces keeps calm while others melt down. Your sudden allergic reaction to drama will serve you well this week.

Aries

Your creativity is pushed to the limit this week, Aries. Can you make emergency formal wear out of chux, tape, and a box of extra small gloves?

Taurus

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Taurus, nothing this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Why is it that silence is golden for everyone else — but for you, absolute quiet is a sure sign of disaster? Luckily, chaos prevails through Thursday.

Cancer

Being knocked on the noggin with a lamp leaves your patient feeling lightheaded. Good luck charting that without cracking a grin!

Leo

Can one be simultaneously snoring and experiencing level 12 pain? Anything is possible, Leo, especially on Tuesday!

Virgo

Your tendency to ‘squirrel away’ extra supplies against inevitable shortage serves you well, Virgo, until your colleagues discover your ‘secret stash’ and start talking about calling the camera crew from Hoarders…

Libra

Despite what this week leads you to believe, terminal stupidity is not contagious!

Scorpio

Just remember that when a report sounds too good to be true, it means you’ve got a frequent flier with wandering tendencies and a spouse who thinks they are the patient and deserves all your time and attention.

Sagittarius

Surprising talents displayed by your patients inspire and amuse…except when they terrify and confuse…

Capricorn

Stormy weather dominates your stars, Capricorn, but its unclear if it’s meteorology or metaphor you’re facing. Either way, it’s probably a good idea to keep an umbrella handy.

Aquarius

Sometimes that gut instinct is your mad nursing skills and insight, Aquarius, and sometimes, it’s just food poisoning.

Pisces

Ogling a stranger’s veins may be tacky, but isn’t it easier with summer fashions, Pisces? Rejoice in the little things. They are the source of happiness!

Aries

The only certain way to achieve change, Aries, is to swallow a handful of quarters and wait. Patience is required!

Taurus

It is sometimes difficult to discern the difference between therapeutic touch and a much needed thwap upside the head, isn’t it, Taurus? This week you’ll find some nursing intraventions more tempting than others.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Communicative Gemini finds frustration in every direction this week: patients, colleagues and friends and family all seem out of sorts and unable to comply with simple requests. Fear not, they’ll be back on track by Friday!

Cancer

Trust your gut always — but especially BEFORE you try that soup from the cafeteria!

Leo

Summer loving Leo longs for ‘rollover minutes’ for nursing…come in early enough on Monday and it won’t matter if you’re late on Friday! Go ahead and make this happen and we’ll all applaud you!

Virgo

For the ultimate in infection control, stay home! It’s advice scrupulous Virgo is tempted to take themselves, not just offer up to persistent visitors…but it’s hard to be a working nurse and not get too close to sick people.

Libra

Technically, failure to take the patient’s Ativan yourself isn’t a med error. No need to document.

Scorpio

Not normally known for the warm and fuzzy advice, this week Scorpio provides critical emotional support to a colleague in need. You might not know what a difference you’re making, but you’re making a difference!

Sagittarius

If you have two men standing in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy? The one on the range! Laugh often this week, Sagittarius — even when it’s silly! You need the smiles!

Capricorn

If the cereal’s in the refrigerator, where’s the milk? Perhaps a little time recharging the batteries and getting some sleep is in order!

Aquarius

Sensitive Aquarius is buoyed up by unexpected compliments this week: try spreading the joy and giving those around you some props!

Pisces

If four out of five patients are suffering from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?

Aries

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. And all this time you thought it was medicine!

Taurus

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Relax, Taurus. There’s no sense sweating the big stuff, either.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Faced with choices on how to handle a difficult co-worker, you discover that conventional wisdom is to ‘kill them with kindness’.  Please bear in mind that killing someone with kindness does NOT mean inflicting blunt trauma with stuffed animals…even if the stuffed animal is wearing scrubs and a tiny stethoscope!

Cancer

Realizing the scope of your responsibility as a nurse can be overwhelming — but take a step back and make sure you’re not taking responsibility for things that are completely beyond your control!

Leo

Remember that you can learn from everyone — and sometimes what they’re teaching is that ignorance is bliss!

Virgo

Don’t keep your mind so open that your intelligence falls out!  This week will present you with opportunities to change how you view nursing — and how nursing views you.  This is either exciting or terrifying.  Good luck!

Libra

Courage and fortitude aren’t just for heroes, Libra — or maybe they are, and you’re more heroic than you’re giving yourself credit for.  Bear in mind that victory is  measured in small steps, such as those that take you from the parking lot into work!  Hang in there — you can do it!

Scorpio

Want to lose 25 pounds in a hurry? Try emptying your pockets, Scorpio!  You seem to be experiencing pockets/glove compartment/storage facility confusion again!

Sagittarius

If only Home Care meant going to care for Homes…

Capricorn

The grass is always greener across the fence; the patients always nicer on another shift, the workload always less in another facility, the surgeon always less psychotic…well, no.  They’re pretty much the same everywhere, but you knew that, didn’t you, Capricorn? Delight in the here and now, and let daydreaming dwell on more pleasant things than work!

Aquarius

Spiritual discoveries delight sensitive Aquarius, especially discovering that your cell phone is missing, meaning there’s not a ghost of a chance you’ll be called in!

Pisces

Celebrate the positives this week, Pisces: you have a great opportunity to cheer up some colleagues who really need it and in the process will make yourself feel better!

Aries

Giving report can be the most challenging part of the day: try jazzing it up by adopting the mannerisms of your favorite journalist! What if you were Anderson Cooper? Jane Valez? Bill O’Reilly? Really old school? Pretend you’re Edgar R. Murrow!

Taurus

You are always teaching: remember that student nurses are watching, whether you know it or not. The next generation of caregivers has YOU for an example. So make sure they learn how to hide in the bathroom or dodge NM phone calls from the best!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Taurus

Astonishingly naive questions surprise you this week; it’s up to you to decide if they’re delightful or disturbing.

Gemini

Look before you leap is generally a good idea, but when you hear that bedpan hit the floor…probably safe to go for it!

Cancer

Help your colleagues stay motivated by singing them cheerful songs, early in the shift. Sometimes it’s hard to hear early in the morning, so make sure to sing really loud. View as a bonus the extra workout you’ll get fleeing their ‘enthusiastic response’! Much of the advice you get this week will be as helpful as this horoscope; act accordingly!
Leo

Seven times you will ask the new resident to clarify what they mean, seven times will they answer. Will understanding result? Such is the mystery of medicine!

Virgo

Resist the urge to hand starch to the next patient who complains of limp nodes. If for no other reason than it’s really hard to find starch anymore.

Libra

This week, you will have to tragically disappoint a patient and let them know that a GI Series has nothing to do with military baseball.

Scorpio

Someday, a genius will develop a sedative delivered topically; right now, we applaud the ground breaking work you’ve been doing in this area with your Louisville slugger!

Sagittarius

While charting, if you find yourself typing Deficient knowledge d/t being a complete egotistical jerk and not realizing it just remember to embrace the power of the backspace key.

Capricorn

No good deed goes unpunished, Capricorn. Also, look out for surprising green puddles of unspecified fluid to appear in the least likely places.

Aquarius

Be forgiving, Aquarius, especially toward your colleagues. That will be challenging early this week, but by the end of the week, you’ll want some compassion yourself.

Pisces

It’s funny how patients who are otherwise completely oriented lose track of reality when they’ve got something to complain about. This week will make you fond of CYA charting and find you chanting document, document, document.

Aries

Technically, you can’t create a ‘low census’ by moving all the patients to the floor…don’t count on that to give you much needed time off!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!