Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Leo

If nurses eat their young, Leo, how come they never stock nurses in the vending machine? This is your week to counter negativity in the workplace. Serious silliness may be in order.

Virgo

Although it’s tempting to tell Call-Button Cathy that permanent pain relief is, in fact, possible, let it go. Nothing good will come out of it, and she’ll resent the time it took her to figure it out.

Libra

99% of patient visitors give the rest a bad name. Try keeping a sense of perspective this week, Libra!

Scorpio

It seems like no one is listening to what you say, Scorpio — but just try making one mistake! Your audience is larger than you ever imagined.

Sagittarius

The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the patient’s ability to reach it. This week, you have patients with extremely short arms: they can’t reach their itches, their butts, their pillows — anything except the call light button! Smart nurses will quickly figure out the appropriate intervention here: move the call light out of reach!

Capricorn

Scheduling stress starts early in the week: if only we could get time in a bottle to be used PRN! Lacking that, some really good blackmail pics of your NM might help you get that much-needed time off AND keep your position secure.

Aquarius

Clear communication with a colleague might smooth out a troubling situation — but is it worth the stress and tension it’ll take to start the conversation? Flip a coin: heads means yes, tails means probably.

Pisces

Confidence is a function of experience — just hang in there a little longer and you’ll start feeling better about what’s making you anxious. Don’t beat yourself up by feeling like you *should* know everything — you can be a nurse for 20 years and still have a bad shift!

Aries

Problems on the unit? Recommend a solution that requires more paperwork, more labor, and more stress — it might not actually solve the problem, but you’ll be picked out as a shining star by management and moved into administration, where those unit problems? Are no longer yours. Normally optimistic Aries is feeling down this week, but it will pass by Thursday.

Taurus

The grass may be greener somewhere else, Taurus — but that may be because that’s where the septic tank is! You’re making choices this week: make sure you do your due diligence first and investigate what the situation really is before you make any moves.

Gemini

This will be a week full of learning experiences. We’re sorry. Under no circumstances, say the “Q” word this week.

Cancer

Escapism is a perfectly valid way to deal with stress and overwhelm…try going wherever it is the doctors and residents go when they don’t answer THEIR phones & pages!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Cancer

Shouldn’t there be a RR for nurses? Somewhere lovely, after the shift’s done, where cell phones don’t work, and people who enter asking you anything besides “Is that enough chocolate or would you like more?” spontaneously combust?  Cancer’s inquisitive nature and a busy week has you searching for this wonderful place — let us know if you find it!

Leo

Knowing that all bleeding stops…eventually…and that ignoring a problem can, in fact, make it go away rather permanently is part of being a nurse.  It doesn’t however apply to interpersonal relationships with colleagues, friends, and random people you know! Speak up and take care of yourself NOW!

Virgo

When the obnoxious caller rings for the third time in two hours demanding to know how Mom is doing, tell them — substituting information about your own Mother.  This is a great solution, unless, of course, your Mother has passed away.  Use your judgment, people!

Libra

The good news, Libra, is that management has your back.  The bad news is that they’re considering it as the next sharps storage unit! Document, document, document.

Scorpio

It’s well known that a very fine line separates “Hobby” from “Mental Illness” — but this week, you’re not worried about that line — you’re dazzled by what your patients do for recreation!

Sagittarius

Did you hear about the butcher down in the ER? Backed right up into the meat grinder. Not only is he in really rough shape, but he’s behind at work!

Capricorn

Capricorn fears when security is called to pediatrics. Nerves settle down when it is revealed all the trouble was simply a three year old resisting a rest.

Aquarius

What happens to GI specialists when they die? Generally, we barium. May the winds of change be a source of delight to you this week, Aquarius!

Pisces

The simplest explanation is often the best one, which is good to keep in mind when taking patient histories! It’s amazing how often and awkwardly people will fall, particularly in states of undress…

Aries

What side of a duck has the most feathers? The outside! Aries, don’t get caught up in details to such a degree that you miss the big picture!

Taurus

If a patient’s refused medication, do the pills go to whoever calls dibs on them first? This can be an interesting discussion — particularly if the right ‘concerned visitors’ are around!

Gemini

Patients convinced of your superior nursing skills want you to diagnose what’s wrong with them based on the stool sample they conveniently brought from home, in the underpants they happened to be wearing. Tell them you only read tea leaves and tarot cards – anything else requires the MD’s personal attention!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Cancer

Creative Cancer combines the attending doctor’s phone with a dog shock collar — if the call’s not returned in 5 minutes, ZAP! Okay, not really…but the idea’s worth raising at your next “Patient Satisfaction” meeting.

Leo

Let sleeping dogs lie, Leo – and if your pain level 14+ patient is snoring through the worst of it, well, perhaps that’s a sign.

Virgo

Make a student nurse’s day: explain why you don’t give the sleeping pill and laxative at the same time BEFORE they do so.

Libra

Isn’t it telling that doctors call what they do ‘practice’? Normally tactful Libra has a hard time holding their tongue this week, but remember: discretion is the better part of continued employment!

Scorpio

Make dietary’s day this week: call them to confirm that vegetarians can in fact eat animal crackers.

Sagittarius

Your future depends on your dreams, Sagittarius! You know what that means: naptime!

Capricorn

The family that sticks together should bathe more often! Capricorn has a challenging week, unless of course your sense of smell and gag reflex have already been removed.

Aquarius

Knock, knock, knock. Document, document, document. If someone tells you something three times, it’s clearly very important! So don’t forget, Aquarius, to knock on the door. Otherwise you’ll get an eyeful you’re just not ready for — and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been a nurse!

Pisces

Requesting a consult for an exorcist may be justified, Pisces, but remember it won’t be a popular decision. Besides, you know they don’t take the patient’s insurance.

Aries

Forget the Barefoot Bandit: you want law enforcement to capture whoever’s been stealing all of the blankets from your unit. Somewhere, someone has a building crammed full of industrial bedding…and they strike ONLY when you need just one more pillow for the crankiest patient EVER!

Taurus

Your paranoia is absolutely no guarantee that they’re not out to get you, Taurus. Conspiracy theories are addictive: watch out that you don’t become a drama-seeker!

Gemini

Coastline nurses know sharks won’t attack lawyers: it’s professional courtesy!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!

Gemini

Clear communication is highly valued by time-strapped Gemini this week. The only trick is finding the current administration-approved method of saying, “What in the world do you think you’re doing?” Good luck with your quest!

Cancer

The visitor who insists that they’re an OR nurse and more than capable of assisting with wound care hits the floor hard after getting a glimpse under the bandage. Cynical Cancer will not find this surprising.

Leo

The heat is on, Leo! Summertime brings out the best in you…and the more creative, innovative injuries, illnesses, and attempts at self medication among your patients. Enjoy exploring what you’d never thought possible this week, except for Monday, which will be distressingly normal.

Virgo

This week will have you pondering the feasibility of developing a debilitating allergy to NG tubes as a cause for workman’s comp…the worst of what’s inspiring this will pass after Wednesday.

Libra

Nurses need to listen to their bodies, Libra! When your body tells you that it’s time to head to the beach with a pile of trashy novels and a cooler full of iced beverages, grab those sunglasses, get the sunscreen and go…who cares that you’re scheduled for another 13 hours? A week of wishful thinking goes by faster if you give yourself even a few minutes of R&R here and there — you need the break!

Scorpio

Never judge a book by its cover, Scorpio — although you might be forgiven a little skepticism when the book your patient is carrying is “101 Ways To Make Big $ Selling Hospital Supplies on eBay!”

Sagittarius

The loftier the sentiment expressed in the patient’s tattoo, the greater the likelihood of visitor-induced drama. Words to live by this week, Sagittarius!

Capricorn

Working with a nurse determined to ‘eat their young’ and find yourself on the menu? Try drenching yourself with hot sauce prior to your shift. You shouldn’t be the only one on the unit with heartburn!

Aquarius

Dreams do come true, Aquarius. Particularly that recurring dream you have about falling asleep in the waiting room and being woken up by an irate manager wearing a chicken suit. Well, maybe not the chicken suit part — but it might be a good idea to catch up on your rest!

Pisces

Your 350 pound patient sitter just sat on a frail LOL – so much for extra help making work easier! Take care to completely articulate expectations whenever possible this week.

Aries

Why is it people who have such flawed judgment and bad decision making skills spend so much time worrying about what you do, Aries? A frustrating week could be in store unless you head it off at the pass. Humor helps. Taking a week’s vacation helps more.

Taurus

The four food groups are NOT Doritos, M&M’s, Coffee and Cold Pizza. Nutrition counts, Taurus: you have to take care of yourself BEFORE you take care of others. Also you’ll feel better when you eat better! Low energy levels can be restored, particularly after a mid-week commitment to self-care.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!