Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Journal of Nursing Jocularity

Archive for April, 2010

Nurse Marge in Charge

Dear Nurse Marge,

I need your help. I’m a new nurse, and it’s the greatest and hardest thing I’ve ever done. That’s not the problem — I expected it to be rough, and it is, but I’m getting the hang of it. What I’m not getting the hang of is dealing with my family and friends who totally dismiss what I do. When I come home from a rough shift, my boyfriend (who is a mechanic) says, “What did you expect? You signed up to be a professional ass wiper.” I hear all the time that all I have to do is what the doctor says — how do you explain that half our job is saving people from the doctor? The continual disrespect is getting me down!

What should I do?

Signed,

Nervous in Newburyport

Dear Nervous,

While I normally say ‘civilians’ never get what nurses really do, and we have to understand that, as part of our caring, therapeutic approach to humanity, I think you should totally ditch the boyfriend. Tell him that since you’re a professional ass wiper during the day, you don’t need any asswipes at home, thank you very much.

Make sure your car is running really well, first.

The problem with our profession is that there are so very many stereotypes attached to it. From the saintly types who ease pain, wipe the fevered brow, plump the pillow and regard family members as a gift from Heaven and physicians as being even better than that — mind you, I’m telling you this secondhand, for in 38 years in the business, I’ve never once met a nurse like this. I came close once, but she was lifted away on a bower of fluffy clouds before my presence could spoil her for the profession forever — to the pill-popping, pharmacist-shagging TV star — which I’ve never understood, since I can’t even get critical, life saving medicines delivered in a timely fashion, how in the world will this guy be in delivering anything in the vein of satisfaction before I age out of giving a damn about such things? — to the sex goddess in a short, tight white uniform and a nurse’s cap almost as pert and perfect as her bosom?

I admit that that last one is entirely my fault. Sometimes we don’t really know the impression we make, you know?

Anyway, back to my point here, which is, not only are you working against the basic misconceptions people have about nursing, you’re working against the mythology of nursing.

Well, I say fight fire with fire. If we don’t like the myths we’re dealing with, let us create our own. Let us sing songs of the Crash Cart Company, saving lives and singing show tunes! Tell the tale of Blood Pressure Bonnie, who can check vitals in the wee hours of the dawn without disturbing a single patient. We must not forget Advocacy Annette, who reminds residents that maybe they want to think through that order and saves the day!

That’s what we should do. Make sure you let me know how it turns out!

Good Luck!

Nurse Marge

Posted in: Jokes

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Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne

Horoscopes just for Nurses!


Aries

The patient’s family who whistles at you to get your attention has the audacity to be shocked when you complete the metaphor and bite them…so exercise restraint, Aries, no matter how tempting it may be. This too shall pass.

Taurus

You discover a never-fail cure for insomnia: three doubles in a row means no more sleepless nights!

Gemini

Maintaining boundaries is important, Gemini. Take the steps needed to protect your emotional and physical resources. We recommend the “Stick your fingers in your ears and sing LA LA LA!” really loud method. It’s guaranteed to stop people from telling you more than you ever wanted to know.

Cancer

The days of restraining patients may be behind us, but restraining visitors? There’s an idea with merit, Cancer…just be tactful in how you present it to administration.

Leo

Look for the positive, Leo! The practice you’ll get wearing your poker face this week will allow you to clean up the next time you attend an all-night card game!

Virgo

Who knew that “If I go in that room again, one of us isn’t coming out alive!” wasn’t a movie quote but something overheard on your very unit, Virgo? It’s just like living in Hollywood! Watch out for the paparazzi!

Libra

The one great thing about a Code Brown at the crack of dawn: the day is only going to get better!

Scorpio

If you’re a psychiatric nurse, Scorpio, nothing that you see, hear, or encounter this week will seem the least bit unusual.

Sagittarius

Folks who tout the value of simple language have clearly never had a chance — or a reason — to use the word prurulent.

Capricorn

Did you know that being on your feet all day can produce very close veins, Capricorn? This week will be full of patients giving YOU helpful medical advice. Make sure you learn how to prevent the dreaded fleas bite us!

Aquarius

Go-Lytely shakes your faith in truth in advertising this week, Aquarius. We hope you can make it through.

Pisces

Do not purge the nurses’ station of snack foods unless you are ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY SURE that they don’t belong to anyone. You’d be amazed how fond some people are of three week old Cheetos.

Star Charts by Suzanne LaBarne are for Entertainment Purposes ONLY!

Posted in: Games, Horoscopes, and Quizzes

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Glimpses Into The Glue Factory

Here at JNJ Headquarters (The Northern Division), we’ve been reading (and enjoying) Dr. George Simmons’ The Glue Factory, which has some really fun cartoons by Ray Broderick.

Doctor Hoffman has a few problems — he had to bring Robotic Doctor Alan Rossum up to speed.  It’s not that Rossum’s not an excellent physician…it’s that he’s not quite on top of what it means to be human!

“Shamberg drops you off without even a string of dental floss. His head must be in the clouds. We’ll never pull this fake doctor stuff off without some personal effects.  If people don’t guess that you’re a mechanical man, they’ll think you’re an extraterrestrial.”

“I only need my charger.”

“That’s not all you need! Machines need chargers, people need changes of underwear.”  Hoffman glanced at his watch. Although the hour was late, it was obvious he had to take Rossum shopping.

Does the mall hold what Dr. Hoffman needs to keep Dr. Rossum from blowing his cover and revealing his robot self? Only time will tell…or the pages of Dr. Simmon’s The Glue Factory!

Posted in: Cartoons

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3 Steps to Pump & Strengthen Your Humor Muscle by Steve Rizzo

Here are three steps or exercises that can help you pump and strengthen your humor muscle.

First, as soon as you wake up, tell yourself it’s a great day and that no matter what happens there is a power in you that can overcome any obstacle. Know that you are in control and that you always have a choice. Recite positive affirmations as you get ready to greet the day, like: “I am in control of my life.” “Whatever this day brings, there is something in me that is strong enough to meet it, overcome it, and be blessed by it.”

Second, find something to make you laugh, or at least put a smile on your face before you leave the house for work or where ever it is you have to go. You will be amazed at the power and energy you’ll get from doing this every day. In a short time, you will notice that humor ignites creativity, creativity leads to productivity, and productivity can be contagious. Why not start an epidemic of positive energy in and around your life? Why shouldn’t you start your day off in a good mood?

Use your imagination. Put your laughter cap on and be observant. It’s what I call observing and developing your humor insights. It simply means observe the funny stuff that is around you. Observe your kids. Watch how they grow up to be just like you. (more…)

Posted in: Columns

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3 Steps to Pump & Strenghten Your Humor Muscle

Here are three steps or exercises that can help you pump and strengthen your humor muscle.

First, as soon as you wake up, tell yourself it’s a great day and that no matter what happens there is a power in you that can overcome any obstacle. Know that you are in control and that you always have a choice. Recite positive affirmations as you get ready to greet the day, like: “I am in control of my life.” “Whatever this day brings, there is something in me that is strong enough to meet it, overcome it, and be blessed by it.”

Second, find something to make you laugh, or at least put a smile on your face before you leave the house for work or where ever it is you have to go. You will be amazed at the power and energy you’ll get from doing this every day. In a short time, you will notice that humor ignites creativity, creativity leads to productivity, and productivity can be contagious. Why not start an epidemic of positive energy in and around your life? Why shouldn’t you start your day off in a good mood?

Use your imagination. Put your laughter cap on and be observant. It’s what I call observing and developing your humor insights. It simply means observe the funny stuff that is around you. Observe your kids. Watch how they grow up to be just like you. (more…)

Posted in: Columns

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